Move Over, Kwanzaa Cake…

And now, the award for the Most Disturbing Food Network Recipe for 2010 goes to:  Oh, goodness, this is a surprise.  A dark horse.  I didn’t see this coming, especially this early in the year.  I’m sorry, I just have to gain my composure here.  Ladies and gentlemen, the award goes to ELLIE KRIEGER for SLOPPY JOES!  Come on down, Ellie Krieger of “Healthy Appetite with Ellie Krieger“? Would you like to say a few words, Ellie?

And, your motto?  “No ingredient is ever off-limits”?  Your fearless use of the Big Mac proves that you are a woman of your word.  Indeed, Ellie, indeed!  Sandra, as our Mistress of Ceremonies and Queen Emeritus for your 2006 achievement and continued excellence in revulsion, would you please do the honors of crowning our new Queen?

Sandra, don’t be so shy!  Here, can I hold your Capputini for you while you crown Ellie?

Okay, um, that’s okay, I’ll figure something else out.  Here’s your Capputini back, Sandra.  I topped it off for you a little bit.

Rachael, as the reigning 2009 Queen for your Chicago Dog Salad and your successful transition into pet nutrition, would you do the honors?

Rachael, you look a little busy at the moment, too.  Here, Ellie, I’ll crown you.  Congratulations on your achievement in revulsion.  2010 will be difficult to top.  Do you have any advice for someone dreaming of winning the crown in 2011?  Wait, you’re pushing something in front of me.  What, uh, Ellie?  What is that?  Asian Chicken Salad, you say?  For some reason, and I don’t mean to offend you, but it sort of smells like the fried chicken joint I used to walk by on my way home from the laundromat in college.

Oh, that’s why.

What are you trying to give me now?  Yes, I am a sucker for soup and salad, but not always necessarily an “Asian Chicken Salad” and a bowl of something that appears to be pureed burrito.

Oh, that’s why.

Really, Ellie, I’m not very hungry at the moment.  Also, I thought you preached everything in moderation?  Hawaiian Fish Lettuce Wraps?  Well, at this point, why not?

Sandra, Rachael, give me both your crowns, because this Cornell and Columbia graduate and NYU Adjunct Professor has single-handedly taken over the empire of disgust on Food Network.  You two are going to have to join forces with Paula to try to take this woman down.  And, Paula, you know how hard it is to keep a good woman down:

Oh my nose!

I've been planning that moment for years...

Nevertheless, I am not looking forward to the inevitable series of Ellie Krieger (or is it Krueger?) ads regarding the health benefits of Burger King’s apple fries or Taco Bell’s latest triple-decker monstrosity (thank goodness for the DVR).  I don’t exactly know how much The Krieger was paid by the parent companies of McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Burger King, but to buy-out someone known for Fig-Bran Muffins and Spinach and Green Apple Salad rather than calling upon the Mistress of Processed De- and Re-Construction Ms. Semi-Homemade herself had to have been a challenge.  But perhaps no bigger challenge than Chase undertook with Tony:

What the hell, Anthony?  Thanks for ruining one of your best episodes in years (arguably, it was a great episode as a result of the knowledgeable and lovely Turkish hosts more than making up for your inability to form a coherent sentence and the disturbing fact that I somehow know more about Turkish cuisine and Ottoman history).  Is the Les Halles line of frozen frites next on the agenda?

While I may have been mildly annoyed, you really pissed off robertwalsh on the Travel Channel forum:  “That was the lamest product placement I’ve ever seen. You should have retired before agreeing to that.  You’re more Green Day than Iggy Pop.  Gabba Gabba we don’t accept you.”

Ooh, diss!  Bang, Bang!  RIP, Joey, Johnny and DeeDee!  CBGB 4-Evrrr!


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